Thursday, July 16, 2009


It's over. There's no way I'm going back to the Four Square courts. I was outplayed and embarrassed last Saturday. David Yassky beat me at Williamsburg Walks fair and square. There is nothing that nobody would say that would get me to even think about playing Four Square again. It's not going to happen. It's not going to happen.

My phone rings. It's an 860 area code. Gotta be my mom's new cell phone.
Me: Hello... mom?
Coach: I'm not your mom. This is Coach Jim Calhoun.
Me: Stunned silence...
Coach: UConn Huskies Mens Basketball Coach Jim Calhoun
Me: Uh....
Coach: Hall of Fame UConn Huskies Mens Basketball Coach Jim Calhoun
Me: Stunned silence...
Coach: Hello? Kid? You still there?
Me: Yeah.. yes... Coach! Why... why are you calling me?
Coach: You know why I'm calling you.
Me: Is it the pitch to Men's Health that I haven't made yet? Because I swear I'm totally going to send that over to Sports Information.
Coach: I'm calling because you quit at Four Square.
Me: I... I didn't quit.
Coach: Bullsh#t!
Me: The ball just didn't bounce my way on Saturday.
Coach: Excuses!
Me: I made... I made a lot of errors. The other guy got hot.
Coach: F#cking incredible.
Me: Sorry Coach.
Coach: You're sorry? You're sorry?
Me: What can I do? I'm retired.
Coach: Look at me. I'm 67 years old, and I just broke five ribs while I was biking a 50-mile charity ride. I survived three bouts of cancer and I won two national championships.
Me: I know. You're a hero of mine.
Coach: Do you think I quit when we lost on Denham Brown's last second miss against George Mason in 2006 or when Donyell Marshall couldn't make his free throws against Florida State or when NCAA investigators came after me for recruiting violations connected to Nate Miles?
Me: ...Um
Coach: What?
Me: No. No you didn't quit.
Coach: You're damn right I didn't quit.
Me: Well, what should I do?
Coach: You need to challenge Assemblymember Vito Lopez to Four Square on Saturday.
Me: What?
Coach: At the India Street Mural Project. I've been reading about it.
Me: How do you even know who Vito Lopez is?
Coach: We have a time share in Myrtle Beach.
Me: Right.
Coach: It's the only way you'll get back in the game.
Me: But Coach... I'm... not great.
Coach: Bullsh#t. You can do it, Aaron.
Me: I can do it.
Coach: Just believe in yourself.
Me: I believe in myself.
Coach: You're a winner
Me: I'm a winner.
Coach: And if you don't win... I'm going to drive down to Bushwick, drag you out of your tiny apartment, and make you run up and down the steps of the Chrysler Building for twelve hours.
Me: Um..
Coach: I have a lot of time on my hands this summer.
Me: I can do it, Coach! I can do it!
Coach: Go get em, kid. Click.

Well, it's on. Again. Assemblyman Lopez, I hereby challenge you to a Four Square match at the India Street Mural Project unveiling, Saturday July 18. And any other candidates for City Council who show up... I will take you on too.


Anonymous said...

You do know you have to let him win, right?

chronos2525 said...


You are nuts. Lopez would probably keel over from cardiac arrest.

Don't forget to cover his picnic.

You might be able to corner him there.