Thursday, December 31, 2009

A Short Story List of the Year (Bushwick, Williamsburg, Greenpoint)
A reminder that The Short List is still technically on hiatus. but with the year coming to a close and not a heck of a lot happening save for Mayor Bloomberg's quickie Inauguration tomorrow, I thought I'd put together an impromptu list of A Short Story's best of 2009.

Best Fake Resignation: Teresa Toro. Everyone knows that Toro is going to crawl back to Community Board 1 and take over the mantle of Transportation Temptress in 2010 after a couple of months on the new job. We'll keep the seat warm for you.

Best New York Giants Related Reference: To Greg Hanlon, who's electric Jeremy Shockey-like performance at The Williamsburg Courier was replaced by my workmanlike Kevin Boss-like performance. We all miss the flash and the cursing in the locker room.

Best Embarrassingly-Uncomfortable-Yet-Sneakily-Hilarious Video: I am only going to link to it.

Best Lawsuit: So many to choose from, from Marty Needelman's Broadway Triangle Stay-cation to the one filed by the two hipsters who vandalized (or "restored") the Bedford Avenue bike lane, but I'm going with the Atheists' suit against the Catholic Church. It is their first lawsuit and you always remember your first lawsuit. As Vito Lopez puts it,
“From what I’m hearing, it’s a reverend who’s not a reverend, it’s a lawyer who’s not a lawyer, and about six people showed up,” Lopez said. “It’s a group that doesn’t believe in Christmas ornaments or trees.

Best Four Square Performance: Brad Lander. Hands down. Dude can ball.

Best Don Draper Impression: Ward Dennis.

Best Betty Draper Impression: Juliet Linderman

Diana Reyna Lifetime Achievement Award for Best Meandering Monologue: Diana Reyna, multiple appearances (this one is accompanied by a song!).

Best Monologue: Danny Hoch. At a Community Board 1 meeting.

The David Yassky I-Was-Against-Term-Limits-Before-I-Was-For Term-Limits Best Flip-Flip: David Yassky on Evan Thies.

Best Zoning Smackdown: Marty Markowitz, on supporters of Rose Plaza. You'll have to air your dirty laundry elsewhere.

Best Al Franken Impression: Lincoln Restler (2nd Team Jack Hammer Great Names All-Stars)

Best David Duchovny Impression Zoolander Era: Rami Metal (2nd Team Jack Hammer Great Names All-Stars)

Best Worst Kept Open Secret: Rami Metal will be continuing to work on constituent issues with Council member-elect Steve Levin.

Best Bar Mitzvah Party: Steve Levin's Inauguration.

Photo courtesy of Juliet Linderman

Best Supporting Actor: David Niederman. There has been lots of talk about how Steve Levin won his council seat in a seven-way primary, but Rabbi David Niederman deserves at least a third of the credit. Plus, he may be the most stylish person in Williamsburg south of Broadway.

Best Injury: Tie between my 6-week high ankle sprain and whatever Mike Freedman Schnapp did to himself in Paris. We're going to have fight this out early next year.

Best Community Meeting Meal: Community Board Four's deliciously satisfying December potluck dinner. God forbid Community Boards 1 or 2 every try this.

Best Picnic Party: Lots to choose from here too, but Sunken Meadows Part I was a fun day in the sun.
Best Budding Romance: The EPA and the Mayor's Office of Environmental Remediation. There's something sweet wafting in the air... and it's fetid raw sewage, but that's a good thing.

Best Disco Dancer: Congresswoman Nydia Velazquez. Antonio Reynoso wins 2nd Runner-Up.

Best food-related campaign stunt: Viva La Chicharron Hombre!

Best Fake Demonstration: The topless Bedford Avenue bike protest that actually included more clothes, which inspired this headline that only Freed Schnapp will get.

Best What The Hell Was That? Demonstration: The counter-sex abuse rally at Vito's office. It sure was something alright.

Best Zoning-related Telenovela: The Broadway Triangle. From Rob Solano's daily press releases to appearances from Brooklyn Great Names All Stars Jack Hammer, Ward Dennis and Kenneth Knuckles, to the five-hour anticlimactic finish, the Broadway Triangle had it all.

Miezko Kalita Annual Best Facial Hair Award: Do I even need to say anything?


mike said...

No, your injury wins, hands down. I don't need crutches, yet.

Anonymous said...

Any comments on the Inaugurations? The New Year just can't start without an essential critique from the the Short Story.